Overcoming Fear
What Would You Do if You Weren’t Afraid?
Four steps to stop fear coming between you and your dreams
We’ve all experienced fear.
We know that feeling as our amygdala kicks in, the adrenaline starts pumping and we experience the fight, flight or freeze response. But we don’t need to get to that point for fear to put the handbrake on our lives.
We don’t put our hand up for a promotion, try a new career, take on a new challenge, go on an adventure.
Fear of the fear can stop us even taking the first step.
What is fear?
Fear is natural and defined as ‘an emotion or thought you have when you are frightened or worried by something dangerous, painful or bad that is happening on or might happen.’ We all have things we are afraid of.
Fears are mostly learned. It turns out we’re only born with two — the fear of falling and of loud noises. The rest are an adaptive response to our experiences and influences.
This learned response is designed to keep us safe. However, too often we can let it come between us and our dreams. It keeps us where we feel comfortable, but in doing so it creates an invisible wall around us.
Fear is an uncomfortable feeling — so naturally it’s tempting move away from it. But every time we do, we strengthen that wall, limiting our freedom. And when we let fear win, we rob ourselves of opportunities and experiences. The new job or career, seeing new places, trying new things, meeting new people, taking on bigger challenges.
Our fears might be a fear of failure, rejection, uncertainty, struggle, being vulnerable, disapproval or of change. It might be something specific, life a fear of swimming in deep water, public speaking or a job interview. Susan Jeffers PhD, in her book ‘Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway’ surmises that at the bottom of every fear is the fear that we can’t handle it — we can’t handle being alone, being rejected, being able to answer the interviewers questions.
When we let fear win and choose comfort, we give away our power and can be left with feelings of helplessness, not feeling great about ourselves, and maybe even shame. We swap one uncomfortable feeling for another.
Fear is a poor predictor
“Anticipation is worse than participation.”
I heard this from Dean Stott, a former British Special Forces soldier — it’s so true.
How often have you thought something was going to be terrible, you were filled with apprehension, but then everything turned out ok? Or perhaps had a really great outcome?
Fear is a poor prediction of outcomes. Fear is a reaction to uncertainty. Our mind creates a prediction, to try and create some certainty.
Fear is reality with a bunch of assumptions thrown on top taking away a sense of perspective. We’ve watched ‘Jaws’, we’ve heard about shark attacks and we don’t go in the ocean because we’re afraid. Unpack the risk and the likelihood of being killed by a shark in Australia has been estimated to be 1 in 50 million.
So, what do we do?
First, let’s be clear. The goal isn’t to be fearless. It’s about building our courage and not letting fear stop us.
As Nelson Mandela said,
“I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.”
We want to learn to not be afraid of being afraid.
When we strive to explore our potential and develop our capabilities, to follow our dreams, we’re most likely going to deal a level of fear as we navigate our way through the uncertainty and unfamiliarity.
We have to find our way through it.
Franklin D Roosevelt said:
“the only thing we have to fear is fear itself — nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyses needed efforts to convert retreat into advance.”
Therein lies the answer.
1. Name it
First, what does success look like and what is it you are really afraid of to get there? Say you want to change careers, you might let it stay a daydream, because you’re afraid.
Dig into what’s really holding you back — if we unpack it and understand the root cause, we know what we need to solve. Is it because you think you might not be successful, you might not enjoy it after all, you worry about what others might think?
Perhaps you want to take the next step in career, but you’re nervous. Underlying could be the fear of talking in front of big groups, which you’re going to have to do in this new role.
When you dig into what’s creating this fear response, do it without judgment — self-criticism isn’t going to help — be kind to yourself and accept it. If the self-judgement comes up, remind yourself, you are taking the steps to overcome the fear, so, “Back off!”
2. Assess it
Once you have worked out what the underlying fear is, what is it you think you might not be able to handle? Question it. Have a reality check.
Where does it come from?
Is it true? Is there another way of looking it?
How intense is it on a scale of 1–10? One being slight butterflies, to ten being total terror.
Do you have examples in your life where you have overcome something similar? Could you apply it here?
Is it because of something that happened previously?
Or something you saw (films like ‘Jaws’ have a lot to answer for)?
What’s the real risk — what’s worst case and how likely is that really?
Spend time digging into what it is and unpack the unrealistic thoughts. It’s about getting perspective and understanding your enemy.
The Art of War, Sun Tzu advises: “If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles.”
Then focus on the upside — what does overcoming this bring? What’s your why?
When you want it more than you fear, you have the upper hand.
On my Nile expedition we were attacked by a hippo. It was day six of the trip with weeks going through hippo territory ahead of us. I was petrified at the thought of getting back on the river. But when I weighed up the options — walk away from this expedition or keep going, it was a no brainer. I got back on the river. It brought home the power of ‘why’.
3. Share it
When we tell people, share what we are afraid it, we start to take away a little of its power. It makes it easier to ask for help, or people will help us.
One day I was out on my surf ski (form of kayak). By the end of the session there were some huge sets coming through, even the guys I was with were backing off. Having had some bad experiences I get nervous on my ski in the surf — looking at the sets coming through I was bricking it. The guys know I get nervous, so one of them came over to help me get in. He waited patiently, and helped me time it at the right spot to catch a wave in. If we ask for help, more often than not, people will be there.
The other thing is, if you voice your fear you might hear those magic words, “Yeah, me too.” There is a feeling of comfort and comradery when we find out we’re not alone.
I was blown away when I watched award winning, big wave surfer Mark Mathews film ‘Fighting Fear’ where he shares that he used to be afraid of the surf.
“In fact, I was so terrified of the ocean when I was a little boy that my mum used to have to paddle out on her boogie board and rescue me, right into my early teenage years. Pretty embarrassing in front of your mates.”
Hearing that made me feel better about my nerves in the surf.
When we see the end result of what someone has achieved it’s easy to underestimate what it took to get there. Unless they share it, like Mark did, we never know what had to be overcome.
When we voice our fears, we help ourselves and others. We open ourselves up to support.
4. Move toward it
Accept that it is there and take a step toward it. They might be small steps or giant leaps. The goal is learning to manage the fear and tone down our response. With every step, we gradually take the power back.
If you have a specific goal, such as public speaking, you might take baby steps (systemic desensitisation) or go full bore and leap in (flooding).
The goal of both approaches is to reset your response. You no longer associate the situation with a negative outcome, and therefore you no longer have a fear-response or at least not such a strong response. It goes from an eight to a manageable two.
Build a plan — what help do you need, who can help you, are there courses you can do, what are the small steps you can take, when are you going to do them?
If it’s a big goal, but you’re worried you might not succeed, do the research, unpack the risks, manage the ones you can, build a detailed plan and take a step. And then another. Your focus shifts to your actions and away from negative emotions, your confidence grows and momentum builds.
Supplement this with tools to help. In my last article I talked about how reframing a situation as a challenge helps us dealing with situations we’re afraid of. Find the tools that work for you and your situation.
Have a strong practice in relaxation methods, such as meditation and breath work, to help you cope when the fear response kicks in.
As Mark Mathews, says you need to “build skills that allow you to master your environment and tame the fear. That’s what I did over decades in surfing. Obsessive training, research and preparation helped me master the ocean as best I could, letting me do the thing that, although it terrified me, I wanted most.”
The more we do this, the more we can take on bigger and more meaningful goals and challenges. Ones that simultaneously scare and excite us. Ones that uncover our capabilities and our passions, that bring fulfilment, and in the process our confidence and courage grow.
Learn to accept fear, but not let it hold you back and see where that takes you.
Sarah